23 Weeks Pregnant

Hey Everyone...here's my 23 week post from Charlottetown, PEI. We're on vacation right now so this is going to be pretty short but I will be posting more in a couple of days (the time change has played havoc with my energy levels at this point).

Here's the 23 week update from Baby Center and the 3d rotatable pic and blurb can be seen by clicking here.

No one knows the horrors I've seen...

Scott and I are heading to PEI this Saturday for our last big trip before Bug makes her world premiere in November. In a couple of days, I'll be skipping around the east coast hopefully basking in the hot summer sunshine and flopping on PEI's best beaches with Scott and our friends Jim and Liz. In a bathing suit. While in my 6th month of pregnancy.

There just isn't any kind way to say it...I look crazy in a bathing suit and I don't mean "crazy good" either. I've now got cellulite where I never knew you could get it plus my body is expanding in every bloody direction, even in areas beyond the belly and boobs. Cripes, even my thighs are in on the conspiracy! My body has turned into a black hole, sucking in lard from all over the universe so if you got up this morning and wondered where the hell your butter went, look no further...it has now set up residence in my ass. (No refunds)

Now, I know I'm not fat...that I'm just pregnant and since my doctors told me a couple of weeks ago to sit on my butt doing nothing until further notice I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts. However, sometimes I have a moment and Scott faces THE QUESTION, you know the one..."Am I fat?" Well I had one of those moments the other day while getting dressed and I just couldn't help myself...I asked.

Never in a million years did I expect to get the response he offered.
He actually said, "Yes."
Aaaaand then...he just sat there!
Honestly, I'm not sure whether his brain was working at the time or whether it was caught in a fear induced feedback loop because with that answer he should have been running for the hills hoping I haven't yet managed to lay my hands on a sniper rifle. (Scott doesn't labour under the false impression that all those episodes of "The Unit" and PS3 shooting games were 'time well wasted.' He knows covert ops training when he sees it, folks!)

I'm not quite sure what did it...the look on my face, the will to survive, or some instinctive response coded into his DNA because after that initial blankout, he followed up with what I'm sure he thought was a brilliant ass-saving clarification, "but you look fabulous and it is not 'fat fat', just fat you're carrying around because you're pregnant." Ummm...HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? Am I supposed to believe that if he woke up one morning to realize he's going bald and I confirmed that with a casual "yup" that somehow he would be comforted if I told him it was happening because he's getting older and that even though he's turning into a chrome dome he looks fabulous? Puh-lease!

So far I've resisted buying an actual "maternity" bathing suit, instead choosing to humiliate myself by wearing the bikini I bought when I was only a few weeks pregnant. Will it still fit on this trip or will I be forced to break down and end up looking like one of those scary old women I see at the beach wearing what qualified as a risque bathing suit in the 1880's? Stay tuned, dear readers...

22 Weeks, Geeks!

To be honest, I'm a bit confused.
I was told the first trimester was when I would probably feel nauseous and exhausted (check and check) and that the second trimester was when I would be feeling like a million fricking bucks with tonnes of energy to spare...
so what the hell is up and who do I complain to?


This is how my last few days have been:

Friday: a bundle of energy, felt fanbloodytastic and knocked any number of things off my "to do" list
Saturday: woke up (kind of) and spent the rest of the day borderline comatose or wishing I was back in bed
Sunday: wandered around wondering what the hell had happened to that sleepy blur I called a Saturday but otherwise felt great
Today: Started off OK but quickly degenerated into a listless puddle of crap. Sitting here at work right now trying to remember how to read a clock so I can figure out if it is time to go home after a hard day’s work. Ah, to hell with it...I can't lie to you...I'm completely fucking useless this afternoon and I don't have the guts to go lie down on the couch for a nap because everyone here at work will wonder what the hell I'm doing. You know, since I'm in my second trimester and supposedly full of energy and all.

Anyway...Baby Center's 22 week update is here and the 3d rotatable pic and blurb are here. According to the 3d blurborama, Ladybug is now 11 inches long from head to toe. The first time I've actually seen a "head to toe" measurement for little LB. No wonder I sometimes feel like someone is squishing my lungs or my bladder...I actually have a one pound leprechaun in there dancing on my innards! If you're totally bored the Visible Embryo has a brief blurb this week about Bug's development but be warned...it isn't exactly a page turner.

Droopy Drawers Diana has Left the Building

I have been watching my stomach expand at a steady rate now for weeks, caught between a smug and happy awareness of impending mommyhood and a sense of dread that the time was coming when someone would finally look at me and says "whoa!" or I would lose sight of my feet. Well now both signs of the demise of my waistline have come to pass in the space of 5 short days.

Incident Number 1: I saw a friend of mine last Friday after only a brief 2 week hiatus. She stopped dead and blurted out "Whoa!" (a la Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure) when she saw my belly. Even though I technically don't mind the whole getting bigger thing since it is for a good cause, I died a little inside. (le sigh)

Incident Number 2: Today, a coworker was inspired by another's, "Wow, someone sure looks pregnant today" comment to share something he heard from a pregnant friend. She was 8 months pregnant and decided a smoothie would be a great idea. She put the yogurt, berries and juice into the blender only to have it turn itself on before she put the lid on. After cleaning up the resulting mess, she went through the process again. More yogurt. More berries. More juice. And tonnes more splattering as the blender did the same thing yet again. Then she realized her belly was pressing on the blender's buttons as she leaned over to grab the lid each time. The storyteller thought this was hee-larious and laughed hysterically while I tried hard - oh so hard - not to kill him.

Incident Number 3: I was walking into work today and as I trundled past the back exit, I tripped over a concrete bar on the ground that had "somehow" escaped notice (and by "somehow" I mean my boobs and belly had completely blocked it out). Happily, I was able to catch myself before falling flat on my ass (which thankfully can't interfere with my vision no matter how big THAT'S getting).

Quite frankly, I'm not sure I'll be able to make it through another 4 or so months of this, because even before getting pregnant I was klutzy enough to just barely escape ending up on one of those Darwin Awards emails I get from time to time. Time to invest in steel toed boots, a hockey helmet and lots of bubble wrap fashion, I guess.

21 weeks

Another week has gone by in a real whirlwind. The other day, Scott was finally able to feel Bug swishing around (we call it "finning") but he has yet to feel her kick. Given how much this kid kicks that's a bloody miracle but it seems that whenever he puts his hand on my stomach she senses it and promptly goes on strike or heads out for a beer and some pizza. *sigh* Have I mentioned lately how much I miss beer? Perhaps a better question would be, "is there anyone out there who hasn't recently heard how much I miss beer?"

Baby Center's update can be found here but they are surprisingly skimpy on baby details this week. The 3d rotatable pic and blurb are here and it actually includes a junk food reference! No one has yet used my Mars bar or Diet Coke suggestions so I think my evil junk food empire idea is still a go but it was gratifying nevertheless to see at least one reference without any nutritional value. There is, after all, only so much pressure a woman can take to eat her fruit, fiber and veggies 24/7 before she runs screaming into the night searching for a 7-11 candy aisle.

I've started seriously thinking of names but I'm not exactly burning through the baby names book or anything just yet. I want to figure out the logistics of the nursery and guest room before falling in love with a name or 5 only to have Scott say:
1) "no,"
2) "no way,"
3) "never in a million years,"
4) "not for any child of mine", and
5) "what the hell were you thinking?"

Since he often comes up with names that make me think oatmeal is exciting in comparison, this kid may end up being called One of Two, which could be awkward if she ends up being an only child. (and yes, that's a Star Trek reference...)

Mastitis?

ohmygod ohmygod! I was reading a posting today at www.dooce.com and Heather (Heather Armstrong, not my sister Heather Worth) was writing about her experience with something called mastitis.

Never heard of it. Wish I still hadn't.

This is how she described it.

...about 4AM Saturday morning when I woke up to feed Marlo and my left breast felt like someone had sliced it open and shoved in a handful of broken glass. I thought I'd try to ignore it, and oh, moan in silence? Bite my lip until I was drowning in a puddle of blood? What was I thinking, YOU CANNOT IGNORE THAT KIND OF PAIN. So I tapped a sleeping Jon on the shoulder and whispered, "Honey, can you take the baby, I think I'm dying."

I immediately headed for the kitchen where we keep the Advil, and I don't even remember how I made it the fifty or so feet from the bed to the medicine cabinet, but there I am taking a couple of pills and next thing you know I can barely stand up. And I guess while reaching for the countertop to steady myself I knocked over the glass of water I used to take the pills and it went crashing into a thousand pieces on the floor. Somehow I make it back to the bedroom when suddenly I'm overcome with the need to puke, and Jon is all, what was that crash? And I'm all, what crash? And he's all, THE CRASH THAT SOUNDED LIKE A CAR FLEW THROUGH OUR FRONT DOOR. And I'm all, why are you moving your mouth and talking to me, can't you see I need to vomit?

Whaaaat? That sounds crazy bad...like kicking a guy in the balls right after feeding him a listeria-ridden sandwich with an Ipecac chaser. Of course, I immediately began to wonder what the friggerty hell is mastitis and how do I avoid it?

According to the internet (and of course, everything on the internet is the absolute truth) cabbage has something to do with prevention...or the cure...or something. Since I can't even be in the room with anything cabbage-related other than small quantities of shredded raw red cabbage sprinkled artfully on my salads I have come to the conclusion that I'm COMPLETELY SCREWED! Also, this internet information isn't clear as to whether someone wishing to avail themselves of this prevention/cure/whatever should eat the cabbage or simply line their bras with it...

Believe me, if I suffer through mastitis it isn't going to end well.

Scott, start praying I'm immune!

20 Week Update

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't written anything since my 19 week update. This week was a complete shit show but I will try to be more diligent in the future, I promise.

Here's the Baby Center update for this week and the 3D rotatable pic and blurb is here. The Visible Embryo has also stepped up with some new stuff this week.

Isn't the picture I found this week completely trippy? I can't believe how developed that baby is. I guess Bug is just as far along, but it is hard to imagine, even after seeing her little face as she yawned or watching her clap her hands during our ultrasounds. (note the "casual mention" of my kid clapping her teensy tiny little hands)

Really, I've been sticking pretty close to home this week so sadly there isn't much to add.