Prenatal Lessons from Classical Roman Poets

Scott and I attended our first prenatal class last night. Each Thursday for 5 weeks straight we're heading to St. Paul's for a 2 hour birthing primer. I wish I could say it was going to teach me how to survive this process intact, but given my current physical state I'd say that train has already left the station.

I had the impression that we were going to be sitting on the floor practicing breathing or watching a graphic birthing video but overall it was pretty damn benign. We learned about the various phases of labour and a few natural pain management/relaxation techniques, ate some chocolate puffed cereal squares, got to know our classmates a bit, and that was about it.

My worst moment came when I realized how incredibly tight a space the pelvis is. The nurse took an unrealistically small doll and a skeleton's pelvis to illustrate how the baby travels from the uterus to the outside world and boy, was it a tight fit. I almost asked for my epidural right then and there.

So where was the drama? The images of panting women and the blood, sweat and screaming? Just between you and me, I bet that last night there were any number of women labouring away up on the third floor in the maternity ward cursing the prenatal class they attended just weeks ago because that smiling, perky little nurse teaching it sold them a bill of goods about the joys and rewards of natural child birth without showing them the grim and gory reality. Pfft! Suckers.

Can you tell I'm suspicious of this whole process?

Personally, I think Virgil was a bit off in the Aeneid warning us all about Greeks bearing gifts. My advice? Beware of nurses advocating natural childbirth who ply you with chocolaty snacks.

A Rant

I'm one of those people who is always complaining about the media showing overly thin women as our supposed beauty ideal but to my horror I've now discovered this ridiculous practice is also used in advertising maternity clothing. (Horrors!) Before I saw the picture below taken during a "maternity" runway show, I honestly thought they had miraculously found gorgeous women who had beautifully round bumps with no bloating or extra weight anywhere and I was starting to dread being obviously pregnant because I just know I'm never going to live up to that.


Then I saw this:





Note the thin legs and protruding clavicle. See that jawline that could cut cheese and count the ribs showing in the scoop neckline. Then look at the waistband of her shirt and tell me that this woman's bump isn't caused by a STRAP ON BELLY!! The waistband is tucked under it just a little in the middle. See? You can't tell me I'm wrong 'cause it is as obvious as the fact that this poor girl masquerading as a pregnant woman is walking this runway fondly remembering the last time she had something to eat: June of 2005. Note: Scott looked at this picture and says he isn't sure her belly is a fake. Further proof men are oblivious, I say.

And what about this chica?

No obvious signs of a strap on, but now I have no doubt she too is FAKE FAKE FAKE. Or at least more fake than your average model because there is no bloody way that rake is really pregnant.

Why on earth do people do this to us? Pregnancy is the ONE time in our lives that we will be chastised if we don't gain weight but they use women who either live on cocaine and cigarettes (a la Kate Moss) or who don't eat at all to sell us clothing showing off bulges we would normally be horrified to have. I'm all for showing the clothing on attractive models but use yummy mummies...how else are we going to know how these clothes will look on real pregnant women? Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about how they look on skinny-ass models wearing strap on bellies, do you?