No one knows the horrors I've seen...

Scott and I are heading to PEI this Saturday for our last big trip before Bug makes her world premiere in November. In a couple of days, I'll be skipping around the east coast hopefully basking in the hot summer sunshine and flopping on PEI's best beaches with Scott and our friends Jim and Liz. In a bathing suit. While in my 6th month of pregnancy.

There just isn't any kind way to say it...I look crazy in a bathing suit and I don't mean "crazy good" either. I've now got cellulite where I never knew you could get it plus my body is expanding in every bloody direction, even in areas beyond the belly and boobs. Cripes, even my thighs are in on the conspiracy! My body has turned into a black hole, sucking in lard from all over the universe so if you got up this morning and wondered where the hell your butter went, look no further...it has now set up residence in my ass. (No refunds)

Now, I know I'm not fat...that I'm just pregnant and since my doctors told me a couple of weeks ago to sit on my butt doing nothing until further notice I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts. However, sometimes I have a moment and Scott faces THE QUESTION, you know the one..."Am I fat?" Well I had one of those moments the other day while getting dressed and I just couldn't help myself...I asked.

Never in a million years did I expect to get the response he offered.
He actually said, "Yes."
Aaaaand then...he just sat there!
Honestly, I'm not sure whether his brain was working at the time or whether it was caught in a fear induced feedback loop because with that answer he should have been running for the hills hoping I haven't yet managed to lay my hands on a sniper rifle. (Scott doesn't labour under the false impression that all those episodes of "The Unit" and PS3 shooting games were 'time well wasted.' He knows covert ops training when he sees it, folks!)

I'm not quite sure what did it...the look on my face, the will to survive, or some instinctive response coded into his DNA because after that initial blankout, he followed up with what I'm sure he thought was a brilliant ass-saving clarification, "but you look fabulous and it is not 'fat fat', just fat you're carrying around because you're pregnant." Ummm...HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? Am I supposed to believe that if he woke up one morning to realize he's going bald and I confirmed that with a casual "yup" that somehow he would be comforted if I told him it was happening because he's getting older and that even though he's turning into a chrome dome he looks fabulous? Puh-lease!

So far I've resisted buying an actual "maternity" bathing suit, instead choosing to humiliate myself by wearing the bikini I bought when I was only a few weeks pregnant. Will it still fit on this trip or will I be forced to break down and end up looking like one of those scary old women I see at the beach wearing what qualified as a risque bathing suit in the 1880's? Stay tuned, dear readers...

a word from Saggyass McPreggerton

Ok. Remember those fabulous jeans I was raving about the other day? Well, today they are too big...and they keep falling down. No, not in a marginally funny "America's Funniest Home Video pants-dropping-down-to-my-ankles-in-a-crowded-room" kind of way but in a "hi, I'm in that purgatory called pregnant-but-not-pregnant-enough-for-maternity-clothes" kind of way.

*sob*

I'm actually smaller today than I was over the weekend (bye bye bloatie)...which would be fine...if I wasn't in love with my new jeans and I hadn't worn them to work.

Right now I'm hiding in my office hoping my coworkers aren't taking up a collection to buy me a belt.

I know these suckers will fit me soon enough but I'm having problems figuring out what the hell I'm going to wear in the meantime. Guess I'll just have to get used to looking like Saggyass McPreggerton...or should I call myself Phatty O'Pantserdragon?

Moo

Is it just me or is it getting fat in here?

I had to go shopping today because everything I have is made for a smaller me...or the Keebler elves came and took in all my clothes last night while I was sleeping. Either way, the muffin top was just getting out of control and even though I could theoretically wear my normal jeans for another week or two I just couldn't subject myself or others to another moment of that visual torture.

I'm now happily sitting here in a pair of really cute maternity jeans with more space than I know what to do with and that massive expandable waistband that goes up to my boobs. I now have space for my ass to expand into and judging by the amount of crap I'm able to stuff into my waistband, I'll have plenty of room for two in the coming months.

Come to think of it, as we head into patio party season this pregnancy thing could be quite a perk: "how the hell are we going to carry all those condiments?" "Leigha's pants can!" "Need someone to carry your beer?" "Leigha's jeans will do it!" I'll be invited to every damn party in town.

I never thought I would be so excited about a pair of fat pants but I guess you can never say never.

A Rant

I'm one of those people who is always complaining about the media showing overly thin women as our supposed beauty ideal but to my horror I've now discovered this ridiculous practice is also used in advertising maternity clothing. (Horrors!) Before I saw the picture below taken during a "maternity" runway show, I honestly thought they had miraculously found gorgeous women who had beautifully round bumps with no bloating or extra weight anywhere and I was starting to dread being obviously pregnant because I just know I'm never going to live up to that.


Then I saw this:





Note the thin legs and protruding clavicle. See that jawline that could cut cheese and count the ribs showing in the scoop neckline. Then look at the waistband of her shirt and tell me that this woman's bump isn't caused by a STRAP ON BELLY!! The waistband is tucked under it just a little in the middle. See? You can't tell me I'm wrong 'cause it is as obvious as the fact that this poor girl masquerading as a pregnant woman is walking this runway fondly remembering the last time she had something to eat: June of 2005. Note: Scott looked at this picture and says he isn't sure her belly is a fake. Further proof men are oblivious, I say.

And what about this chica?

No obvious signs of a strap on, but now I have no doubt she too is FAKE FAKE FAKE. Or at least more fake than your average model because there is no bloody way that rake is really pregnant.

Why on earth do people do this to us? Pregnancy is the ONE time in our lives that we will be chastised if we don't gain weight but they use women who either live on cocaine and cigarettes (a la Kate Moss) or who don't eat at all to sell us clothing showing off bulges we would normally be horrified to have. I'm all for showing the clothing on attractive models but use yummy mummies...how else are we going to know how these clothes will look on real pregnant women? Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about how they look on skinny-ass models wearing strap on bellies, do you?